Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Randomize
