just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
