hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
Hows the party lookin?
At a live sex show right now. Not sure about the employee party
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Should I be concerned that he called me mom when I got in bed on top of him?
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
