They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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