Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
