I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
