dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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