Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
That bus ride was like a tour of all the bushes I puked behind last night
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
