My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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