we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Have your arms or hands ever gone numb after drinking too much?
Wtf did you do last night?
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
In the liquor store when a straight girl and a gay guy were just arguing about who hooked up with the same guy first.
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
Randomize
