I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Randomize
