Well douche your snatch and let's go!
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
Randomize
