Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
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