I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
mom just asked if we are going to need more kaluha as she pulls 5 out of the cupboard. this xmas might kill me
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
Randomize
