what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
god i just can't wait for finals to end so i can just masturbate all day and night
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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