Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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