my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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