sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He has the fingertips of a God
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