I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
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