so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
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