Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
