does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
