just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
