a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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