Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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