I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Randomize
