How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
i couldn't be more explicit if i hit him upside the head with a dildo
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