So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Do you knowwwwww you never ha to pee while lhr on eztacy
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
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