Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Randomize
