honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I have a busted ear drum from when he honked his horn when we started to have sex on his car in the parking lot...
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
