I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
My boyfriend sold my favorite shoes right off my fucking feet last night outside the bar. It might have played a part in our breakup today.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Going on a coke binge the night before your appointment with your therapist (to talk about your sex addiction) is prob not the best idea.
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
