just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
Well its kinda hard to gift wrap an orgasm
Dick in a box?
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Couch. On fire.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
that is very illegal...i love you.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
