What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Just switched my underwear without taking my pants off don't ever be ashamed to be related to me
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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