The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
Shit my boyfriend's roommate thinks thinks: I love getting woken up to the sound of my roommate getting a blowjob
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
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