Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Not much, just taking another sorting hat quiz while waiting for this porno to finish buffering
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
Alcohol won't break your heart. I mean, unless it's all gone maybe
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Randomize
