How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
