just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
