Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
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