I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
