hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Idk. The bad part of me thinks it's a good idea. The bad part is also the stupid part.
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
