And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
