i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
They should just send me home - I'm literally doing nothing but watching porn and listening to pandora.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
