And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
Randomize
