I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
