Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
He seriously just asked the doctor if taking the medicine for chlamydia was going to cut into his drinking time. Never let it be said that he is not dedicated.
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Looks like the opera singer hook up is paying off. Ran into the MILF from 407 and she said “your lady friend sounded like a very lucky girl.”
Randomize
