I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
The struggles of a small town man whore
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
Randomize
