First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
my mom just told me I should hit it and quit apparently she does not like this new girl
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
If its not for food we ain't going out.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
