nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
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