U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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