i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
So somehow I got from NYC to a suburban town in the middle of Jersey. At 4am. Thank god there are trains that can rectify my mistakes...
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
The expiration date on my 40 is the same day as my 21st birthday
Randomize
