This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
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