3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
Honestly, I don't care whether it was a guy or a girl. Best blowjob ever.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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