no more hot dogs for you........
fine no more vajj for you
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
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