Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
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