If that was your dad, he is hot
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
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