So #1 way to come back last night and #2 wishbone and I broke into his house and i opened joey's door and u were both passed out and pantless.
Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
