anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I watched you down those shots like a lion cub watching its mother rip apart a gazelle
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
