dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
Randomize
